And How Do You Feel About That?
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: NFA Help Haiti ficlet. Tony thinks about life as he and the team return to NCIS following Jenny's memorial service. Missing scene from Judgment Day, part 2.


**A/N:** Another ficlet for the NFA Help Haiti auction. It's a missing scene from _Judgment Day, part 2_, just before the final scene when the team gets split up. It's mostly a short reflective piece...from Tony's point of view believe it or not.

**Disclaimer:** I am not the owner of NCIS. I am not making money off these stories. It's too bad.

* * *

**And How Does That Make You Feel?  
**by Enthusiastic Fish

They rode back from the memorial service together. It wasn't a consciously decided-upon thing. It just happened. Gibbs drove. Ziva sat in the front. Tony and Tim took up the back seat. Perhaps it would have been more appropriate for Ducky to ride with them and have Tim go with Abby and Jimmy. After all, Tim didn't have much personal interaction with Jenny. Ducky did. ...but they still all got in the car together, riding in silence, none of them having much to say.

Tony looked at them all. What were they thinking about at this moment? Jenny's memorial had been suitably flowery...and meaningless. A cover-up meant a lot of things to different people. Ducky had said it was distasteful...but to Tony it meant a shadow to everything that was said. What Cynthia said...it wasn't really true because Jenny hadn't died in a house fire. She had died in a bloody shootout on the other side of the country. Remembrances were all lies because it wasn't a terrible accident but an intentional murder. The people she should have had with her weren't there...because she didn't want them. She had essentially killed herself, even if someone else had been holding the gun.

Shifting away from that line of thought, Tony looked at the two silent figures in the front seat. Of all of them, those two were probably the ones who felt the deepest sense of loss. Ziva had been close friends with Jenny. She had lost her first and, initially, her only ally in NCIS. Their exact relationship had never been made explicit, not to him, anyway, but even if Ziva wasn't expressing it, she felt the loss of a close friend.

Gibbs. Tony almost smiled, even though he'd never felt less like doing so. If ever there was a poster child for messed up relationships, Gibbs would take first place. ...although Tony could allow that he'd probably be running a close second. How did it feel to know that a former lover, current employer had become simultaneously responsible for your life being in danger and for trying to save it? Whatever Gibbs was feeling, like Ziva, he wasn't telling.

Tony looked at sidelong at Tim who was sitting equally silently...almost a black hole of silence. Did he feel out of place? He was, certainly, but did he feel that way? Why was he keeping so silent? This wasn't like when Kate died. Kate was a friend, a good friend, and Tim had mourned as he should. What was the proper way when one knew the truth but had to keep it quiet for one's former employer? Tim's expression, for once, wasn't revealing anything. He hadn't said much...not since Tony had more or less bit his head off for trying to lighten the mood. Did he want to be there? Tony found that he actually wanted to ask...but he knew he wouldn't.

That left the only other occupant in the car. Himself. He didn't want to analyze his own feelings. That would mean trying to discern how he himself felt about Jenny's death. It was much easier to wonder about his probie or about the silent pair in the front. It was much easier than trying to work through what he was feeling.

_I feel that I would like a drink._

But, of course, it was more than that. Drinking was just a way of not thinking about it. A crutch. He almost smiled again, remembering how Kate had said she hated crutches. She would definitely have disapproved of this one. How was he supposed to feel about someone who had used him for more than a year to get her revenge? How was he supposed to feel about being used as the instrument to destroy, not only a weapons dealer, but also his entirely innocent daughter? Those things...he could almost swear that he hated Jenny. ...but did he wish death on her? ...especially when it was clear that she had wished death on herself... Tony took a deep breath and let it out quietly, so as not to attract any attention. For once, he didn't want the attention.

Jenny had abused her position to get revenge, and then she had abandoned her friend and the man she'd used, left them both behind to deal with the fact that she hadn't wanted their protection. How was he supposed to feel about that? If she was alive, he would have been furious. Because she was dead, he didn't know. He just didn't know.

"Tony?" Tim's voice was hesitantly intruding. He was worried about getting Tony angry again, probably.

"Yeah, McGee?"

"We're back."

Tony looked up and saw that, yes, they were back. NCIS, at least, was still the same. They could at least depend on going back to the bullpen as a team and working...working through all this mess as well as on the cases that would make living easier. He got out of the car and walked inside with the rest of the team.

"Gibbs?"

"Yeah?"

"Director Vance wants to see you all up in his office. He left word to send you up there."

Tony cast one longing look at his desk as they mounted the stairs. He really wanted to sit there and pretend life was normal for a moment. He figured he could do it after the meeting.

Then, he could work out how he felt.

FINIS!


End file.
